trying again and again and again

Ok so as I think I mentioned in my post yesterday I have spent somewhere around $600 in 2 weeks on junk food that I ate with the specific intention of eating to vomit.

If I want to stop all I can say is I gotta start somewhere. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely horrible,, didn’t really surprise me considering my dinner was 2 pizzas- thrown up, and later a tub of ice-cream and 2 packets of biscuits- obviously thrown up. I couldn’t even get out of bed until 8am and that was because I heard voices. it is fairly rare to hear anyone who lives on the campus stir before 12?pm.

actually-i-just-woke-up-one-day-and-decided-i-didnt-want-to-feel-like-that-anymore-or-ever-again-so-i-changed-just-like-that

So anyway I decided obviously I am dehydrated, weight was about 43kg- I finished no less than half a litre of water in about 20 seconds. and I decided my ensuing headache was probably due to the fact I had yet to have a coffee so I had to go down to my car. I was pretty sure I saw someone approach it from my bedroom window- which I suspect was to observe just how disgusting it was. anyway- the entire space infront of the front passenger seat was chocoblock about a metre high with rubbish so I spent several minutes bagging as much of it as I could and walked over to a bin on the oval at a nearby basket ball court and dumped it. I now have 1 more bag and two pizza boxes to get rid of.

I got the minimal amount of food that I have managed to not overindulge and vomit in this week and brought it back to my room. thankfully I found a large jar of coffee underneath the car seat as well as I have already run out. not sure if I went through 3 jars in 3 months. My breakfast consisted of a carrot, a coffee and a large serve of oats and later another coffee.

I spent about half an hour clearing my bench and the grime on it and neatly making my bed and organising some books- I feel a little bit better now that my room and my car looks a bit better.

(sorry for the detail) I was been observing my bodily movements which for the most part have been less than great for the last couple of months and oddly despite my gross behaviour yesterday- I spent $50 on food. the passing was normal by expertise standards. reasonable size, reasonable colour, reasonable density from what I could gather.

I Have been taking a few photos of both my stomach and my face because I suspect my bulimic attitude is negatively affecting both. My left gland was particularily swollen yesterday- I think it is intriguing. I am going to see what I can do about uploading the photos for further observation.

I have made myself an orange cinnamon tea but looking at it now I don’t even want it and the gassy burps I am letting out suggest that my stomach is still quite full and doesn’t require any additional food.

I am a little scared of how I am going to cope at work tonight particulary as I have put myself in a position where I have required myself to make a minimum of $600 over the weekend in order to afford my rent which is due on Monday. (then the housefees and food and petrol) . I normally make 900-1100 but there is always a fear that you wont make anything.

I am considering getting rid of my heater I don’t really mind it here considering I pay what I think is way to fucking much in rent so I am only happy to ensure that I am getting my money’s worth by running the heater all day bt there is no way that I would pay for that out of my own pocket if I lived in my own place. I cant really justify getting rid of the scale either since it doesn’t really affect my behaviour and I don’t want to constantly live in unkonowing fear of if I am getting fat or not and probably ending up more anorexic than ever if past instances repeat.

I have started looking for some of the basics that I do not yet own that will assist me in living on my own, if I get them off gumtree it actually shouldn’t really cost me more than about 200. (fridge, microwave, vaccumm, dining table) ok washing machine might cost quite a bit but that’s why coin laundires exist.

I am so scared of having absolutely no where to live as of November- I really don’t want to end up back in the first house though the girl I was arguing with is long gone. the house was just so dirty and thepeople who lived there are full on alcoholics . I have a stupor thought/ dream that I had better text him and ask if there was a room there at the end of the year for a couple of months. The area tat I am looking now is directly opposite of the city from my parents in the same amount of km. one of the reasons why I love it. it is full of foreclosure properties at the moment so I doubt that there is many jobs really close to the area but it does mean that threre will be several cheap properties.

however If I want to buy something better than an ugly miniscule apartment it means that I need to go and do my tax return in order to be able to have the paperworkthat ewill be required to apply for a oan. which kind of stresses me.

I am happy that I dropped one subject this semester though one of my friends gave me crap about it and insinuated that he thought it was pathetic. hey I don’t have parents that provide a roof over my head not anyone to cook my meals at the moment nor a dad that gives me a job with one of his friends. I decided doing really well on three subjects was a hell of a lot more important than doinfg four nd probably failing a couple of them and not being able to sort out my living situation and struggling with work. however my other issue is that I have been in such a bad mental state that I have barely been turning up to the university and spending a lot of my day time in bed. even just the sound of people around is upsetting me for one rreason of seriously do you fuckheads not like have school work to do like I do and seconldly of they are all insulting me and my weirdness behind my back though I guess I would have to be forced to accept that as logical. I disappear every weekend, having gotten into cars with a few fairly odd people I drive off up to three times a day so I can binge, the inside of my car looks like a garbage disposal, I blatantly refuse to socialise 90% of the time. and I guess it would appear as odd that I look like a drug addict half the time and look like barbie maybe once or twice a week. I even heard discussions that I am a prostitute. lol there is no way that I would be living here if that was the case i’d have a lot more money and live in a much nicer more private location. (prostitution is too gross and too dangerous in my opinion, why I draw the line at stripping and haven’t even been game enough to agree to waitress at private parties) the guys that offer to pay for sex are generally the grossest.

it has been nice that I found some solace that there are a few academics that also end up in the computer room though.

I am a little scraed about my assignments and actually passing them. I know that I can do the footnptes properly now so hopefully they are weighted as highly as they where last semester, I also think I am on a more righter track than I was  last semester at least coming to the conclusion that the teacher wants rather than trying to insist the inccorect answer is right. plus it helps one of my old subjects is quite similar to tasks that I had to perform in one of my old jobs and in another of my subjects I am working with someone who can write much more professionally than I can. I am kind of sad that I had to miss out on work last week just to do assignments I would rather skip work to have an actual holiday. I am thinking that my plan is considering that I have only done 7 subjects bythe end of the standard year I am gong to pick up a summer subject and then probably a summer subject at a different university as they run more over the summer than my one does then go back to four subjects next year after I have a holiday that involves firstly working around austrailai and then is followed by bali.  then probably do a winter subject- probably real prop as I already have the first 4 weeks of notes and course outline. then I am going to do the programme in Germany which knocks out two more of my units and then I can even go back to doing just 3 units for the rest of the semester two as I will most likely be 4 weeks behind and then do a summer subject again. that will bring me up to 19 units in 2yrs which is 3 ahead of schedule.

I need to make sure I have the funds for paying my bills and to go to bali and Germany tohugh and what sucks is all the food I vomited this year would have more than covered both but as I said before gotta start somewhere and If I only buy a unit in the area where I am looking well I can only rent out one room but honeslty if my parents help briefly I could quite easily have that paid off by the end of the year. ok maybe not easily but it is defitley possible.

I AM SO SICK OF BEING POTENTIAL AND SELF SABOTAGING ALL THE TIME. I am really disappointed that my family has basically ditched me but on one hand I haven’t been close with them for years.

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One thought on “trying again and again and again

  1. So I just want to mention the fact that bulimia actually has so many levels of horribleness. 1. emotional triggers 2. physical standards and appearance triggers 3. habit 4. addiction.
    today I ate a can of chickpeas followed by a whole bag of carrots- 800g of carrots. I managed to squeeze about 600g of wafers on top. I didn’t feel as bad as usual throwing up but far out obviously the problem is way deeper than I thought if I binged on a bag of carrots purely just because I needed to munch on something. carrot/spinach/flavoured tea vomit also smells a lot grosser than donut/cake /chocolate vomit and it hurts more for obvious reasons.

    Like

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