Why am I not ok

Lots of reasons. fuck that are you ok day. people have asked me occasionally I blown it off with a mask. oh yeah i’mfine. smile.

I don’t really want to go to work tonight and flirt with people that I have no interest in or talk to creepy karl and listen to him whinge about his life though I should be ok once I am there. honestly I am sick of pretty much being molested and calling it a $50 lap dance and i’m sick of being around cigarettes and alcohol and drunk people but I suppose that is the Australian way for the most part. I keep saying i’ll ,move on after Christmas or next year but I know that I will go back to nothing and have to reestsblish myself from scratch. I am pretty much at the point where I am looking for a sugar daddy just so that I can substantially cut down my hours. I cant quit entirely I do need to have a bit of money which was obtained of my own accord. the people on the sites have been amusing at best and I am rather tentative about actually going to meet any of them. the better ones seem to be way to rich for a standard that I can uphold to be worth being their arm candy and the restdont earn to much more than I do so I don’t think i’d bother with them.

I am sick of vomiting, sick of wasting my money of it sick of eating , sick of stressing about what the scale says, sick of half hearetedly wondering how many calories I have potentially consumed, sick of feeling tired and lethargic almost all the time. I cant handle t anymore. no one is any helpo they just tell me not to throw up- unfortunately that means I will still eat to excess and become hugein a matter of months, or have my stomach explode or just not eat and probably lose weight. the last one has happened before.

I could quite happily curl up in a ball and not do anything for til I die to be honest that is actually how I feel. it is how I feel a lot of the time. its like there is no ppint to being aslive. no one know this either, even if they did its not as if they would take it seriously I guarantee they would say just suck it up and get over it.


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